This may very well have been the worst week of my life. You guys almost lost me.
I almost lost you.
The thought of pressing the button crossed my mind more than you’d ever wish to know. I wanted to end it all. The YouTube channel. The radio show. The websites. None of it mattered if I couldn’t have peace of mind. In times like these, to retreat back into that world called Anonymity seems to be the lone solution I can ever come up with.
No more filming.
No more e-mail.
No more radio shows.
No more haters.
No more pressure.
I could have my old life back. Could watch the games from tip-off to the final buzzer. Buy the piece of chocolate raspberry cake without worrying about getting caught. Take my time in the gym. Start at nine. End at five. Heaven.
Maybe it was just Oprah Hangover. To be honest, after all that voting, I grew a bit sick of myself. Maybe it was those people who signed up for an account on the Oprah site just to bash me. They’re probably the same legion of keyboard warriors who find a way to cast a negative light on every positive thing I do.
The same ones who send me 10-paragraph emails denigrating my very existence.
The ones who post my replies online in their own ridiculous attempts at smear campaigns.
The ones who call me a sell-out.
Or maybe it was the dozen or so Facebook friends who dropped me when I changed my relationship status last week.
This is what I get for trying to help?
I know all of this sounds crazy coming from a guy who nearly reached a million Oprah votes in 7 days. And to be perfectly honest, it sounds crazy because it is. It’s bullshit. Pardon my French.
The truth is that I was scared. I’ve been paralyzed with fear for years now. I fear that I’ll say the wrong thing and lose my audience, that I won’t meet the exceedingly high expectations that my clients have for me, that I would indeed be a sell-out. I was doing the two things I tell my clients NOT to do. I was worrying about what other people thought. I was always trying to look good. Both lie at the root of our addiction to self-sabotage. Hypocrisy at its finest.
My troubles above weren’t all I was dealing with. If you’re a Facebook friend, you likely know that I was in the shortest relationship in the history of social media. That one came to an end on Friday. I’ll spare you the details. I’m an open book, but I’m not that open.
Like Eminem says, I hit rock bottom so hard I bounced twice. And as odd as it sounds, I absolutely LOVE that place called rock bottom. More people need to go there. Why? Because change happens when you’ve finally suffered enough.
I’m done suffering. It’s time to put me first. Like the flight attendants say before takeoff, secure yourself before securing your children. For most people, that may seem like a selfish act. But being selfish can be a wonderful thing. If you’re not secure in your health, wealth, and spirit, you will never be able to effectively help others.
Life is all about balance. This week was one of my worst, BUT this weekend was likely the best I’ve ever had. I made many decisions that will better my life. And through the reform of my life and my vision for Underground Wellness, the lives of others will be touched in a way that I never thought possible.
One of my decisions was to dust off this blog and spend an hour a day writing about what’s on my mind. My time is up. I’m a slow writer. See you tomorrow. Wait until you hear about my weekend!